TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have One more put wherever American Adult men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer everyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he really should cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the challenge, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a element staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Trump Tower Damascus Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting awareness from international investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree may also contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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